Aborted Fetus Happy Not to Enter Cruel, Cruel World
By Josh Cohen
Shortly after being aborted 14 weeks into his "life," Joe, the fetus growing in Marsha Cunningham's uterus held a press conference announcing his profound state of happiness at being swiftly and brutally murdered before leaving the womb.
"I got no beef with the abortion clinic," Joe said, "I don't know who in their right mind would have a baby with all the road rage, drugs, transvestites, overpaid athletes, chicken pox, mad cow disease, and bad tasting baby food that is rampant throughout the world."
"Think
about what I had to look forward to if I was born. Very little happens from
the age of zero to the age of four; just a lot of grabbing, giggling, googling,
gaggling, crying, drooling, vomiting, spilling, breaking, and sleeping. Then
at about five, I start kindergarten, thus beginning my 12 years of compulsory
education, reportedly the most inane years of a child's life. The ages five
to ten would be years of innocent bliss.
"Then,
I would enter junior high, all innocence would dissolve, and I would become
a child of pop culture. In between the spastic flashings of MTV and WWF, I
would find myself crying and not know why. Soon, about the age of 14, I find
the reason is that my life is emptier than an abortion clinic on Christmas.
To relieve my pain, I listen to brain-shaking punk rock and start to pop Vicadin
like they're Sweetarts. From here, life becomes a bottomless pit. Twenty years
later, after twelve stomach pumpings, three overdoses, a heart attack, and
a nasty case of gangrene, I call my mother and bitch her out for giving birth
to me in the first place."
His would-be mother, who also attended the press conference, was also satisfied with the procedure. She cited its relative painlessness, stating, "The worst part was that the little vacuum thing was really cold. They really should warm those things up."
I give people permission to reprint this stuff in publications and web sites that are not for profit, as long as they follow the stipulation that they e-mail me first telling me where it is going to be shown/printed. Copyright Josh Cohen.
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