SAT Test Agitates
Hemerrhoids
By Josh
Cohen
A new study release last week by America's leading proctology study group, the research firm of Butt, Heiny, and Butts, has found that the SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Test) is a strong agitator of Hemorrhoids. This test is mandatory for most high school students who wish to enter a college.
Joe Bleedy, a self-proclaimed "butt man," offered some insight into this issue in a press conference. He said, "This is quite a problem, but nothing a little Preparation H can't handle." Bleedy is a senior partner at the rival firm of Hardy, Pussee, and Bleedy. This firm has been trying to expose the vast insignificance of its competitors' study.
BleedyÕs grandmother, a hemorrhoid sufferer herself, disagrees. She feels students who suffer from this ghastly disease should be given a 1600 (the best score possible), because of their aptitude at sitting still that long. "After all," she stated, "this is an aptitude test."
Another member of Bleedy's firm, Laurelle B. Hardy posed an intriguing question, "Pathetic high school dweebs with hemorrhoids suffer enough emotional torment anyway, why does a little physical pain matter?" Hardy himself had never taken the fiendish test, and made that statement while resting peacefully on his laurels. Later he did take the test for himself, for the sake of experimentation. Now he is resting peacefully on the water fountain around the corned from the testing room, this he claims, "...soothes the burning."
The Organization of Utah for the Containment of Hemorrhoids (also known as O.U.C.H.), is suing ETS, the creators of the SAT. This legal action was prompted by Butt, Heiny, and ButtsÕ probing study. O.U.C.H. feels that with the help of legal precedent in the Bumpy v. Smoothy case of 1987, which established the fact that Hemorrhoids are both painful and distracting, they will easily be able to reach a settlement. In a telephone interview, after much groaning and griping, they had this to say, "The time will soon come when the pathetic high school dweeb will no longer have to 'burn' for over 4 hours while taking this harrowing test." Their demands are simple, they want ETS to install water fountains into every desk. With this, when a "burn" reaches climax, a student will be able to sooth it without losing his/her concentration on the fortuitously long test.
ETS responded harshly in a heated press conference. Their spokesperson, Edgar B. Testy, stated, "There are no pathetic high school dweebs with hemorrhoids alive by late high school, as they are generally weeded by the school bullies. And any 'burners', who were not weeded out by this time, are quickly maimed and killed by our ax wielding guards upon entrance into the exam room. We do not take chances at ETS, and we are never wrong, never. By that, I am referring to the fact we are right one hundred percent of the time, one hundred percent of the time. These bumpy-butted losers deserve to die, nobody challenges ETS, nobody."
I give people permission to reprint this stuff in publications and web sites that are not for profit, as long as they follow the stipulation that they e-mail me first telling me where it is going to be shown/printed. Copyright Josh Cohen.