Integration Leads to Masterbation
by Josh Cohen
Researchers
at some over-funded government laboratory say they have found conclusive evidence
that regularly integrating calculus equations leads to regularly masturbating
students. They published their study, entitled "Masturbation and Math:
A Unlikely Partnership" in the "College Girls Nude" edition
of Playboy.
"There
is nothing new here," says Mathematics Professor Robert Jones of MIT,
"I've been integrating for years, and I've been doing the old five knuckle
shuffle for years. It was only a matter of time before someone did some quality
research showing what I had suspected ever my first year as a math student
in college, when I solved an integration problem and had an intense, almost
burning desire, to milk the lizard."
The
methodology of the study was rather simple. The researchers distributed a
questionnaire to college students and professors that asked three yes or no
questions:
"Have
you integrated any equations in the past week?"
"Have
you masturbated past week?
So
many of the male respondents answered yes to both, that the researchers claimed
their hypothesis was proven. In the past, there have been studies linking
integration to mastication, fornication, invisible friend creation, and more,
but this is the first study to conquer the taboo link to jerkin the gerkin.
Math
historian Marvin Herschel related that, "Throughout Newton's and Liebniz's
there is frequent mention of "bathroom breaks," during their efforts
to solve the first integration problems. There are even a couple suspicious
stains on Newton's pages, which was believed to be some kind of sticky candle
wax, but this research may open the stains to new interpretations."
When asked to comment why they pursued this area of research, the researchers stated, "Well, we were all talking one day about integration, then Bob, our intern, said, 'Integration, sounds like masturbation.' We all had a good chuckle, then a light bulb went on in my head as I correlated all the times I had waxed the weasel with the times I had integrated. Invariably, the periods of my life when I spanked it the most, were also the periods when I integrated the most. So we did some research, and it turns out, the more one integrates, the more he will flog the dog."
I give people permission to reprint this stuff in publications and web sites that are not for profit, as long as they follow the stipulation that they e-mail me first telling me where it is going to be shown/printed. Copyright Josh Cohen.