The
Joys of Yachting
By Josh Cohen
Some days I just want to get away and go sailing on my 66 foot yacht. This beauty of a boat skims across the water much the way I would imagine a unicorn does not. Unless that unicorn had sails...and was very majestic looking...and the light bounced off the water onto those sails and looked pretty. Then, and only then, would a swimming unicorn equal the sheer brilliance of my 66 foot yacht gracefully skirting across the water on a nice sunny day.
All unicorn envy aside, this boat is a fine specimen of seamanship. When I go to sail her, and pull this rope there, and some other rope here, and yank some lever over there, and pull some pulley down below, then ba-da-bing!, the boat lurches forward like a cat leaping off the top of a large building trying to reach for a dangling mouse just inches too high above him. Except as the cat plunges to his demise, the boat gracefully sails on like the beautiful yacht that she is.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling sassy, I buy rescue a few Honduran sweat shop slaves and have them sail my gorgeous yacht for me. Usually, me and my skipper Joselito enter a yacht race. I usually kick back with a cola product while my alien crew takes the proverbial "bull by the horns" and throttles my yacht to victory. In celebration, I usually treat the famished refugees to a few Pepsis before returning them to the port authorities. At this point they usually scream like a rambunctious dog upon being awoken from a nap.
Every once in awhile for kicks, when it gets really rainy, I rent a whole bunch of different animals that are each missing one or more legs and reenact Noah's Ark (peg-leg style). I get three-legged goats, one-legged chickens, three-legged marmalutes, one-legged oompaloompahs, and two of those guys that have no legs and move around on a skateboard. There is usually all kinds of activity on board, from the goats fighting with the chickens, fighting with the skateboarders, fighting with the oompaloompahs, who are always being eaten by the marmalutes. But there is nothing quite as exhilarating as a glorious 66 foot yacht skimming across the open sea in the rain, with various terrestrial animals onboard fighting incessantly. And that, is the joy of yachting.
I give people permission to reprint this stuff in publications and web sites that are not for profit, as long as they follow the stipulation that they e-mail me first telling me where it is going to be shown/printed. Copyright Josh Cohen.